


And So I Cry Sometimes When I'm Lying In Bed, Just To Get It All Out, What's In My Head

by revenblue



Series: [collection] but you keep spinning 'round me just the same (Perryshmirtz) [79]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heinz gets a hug, Heinz needs a hug, Holding Hands, Insecurity, M/M, POV Second Person, Post-Coital Angsting, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-11 03:01:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20539040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revenblue/pseuds/revenblue
Summary: Heinz Doofenshmirtz feels a little peculiar.





	And So I Cry Sometimes When I'm Lying In Bed, Just To Get It All Out, What's In My Head

**Author's Note:**

> Alternate title: Just Keep It Inside, Learn How To Hide Your Feelings

Eyes shut, you force down a sob. Quiet, you have to be _quiet_, don't let him hear you. Don't wake him up. He's so peaceful when he sleeps, and he's asleep beside you, and you can't bear to disturb him. Who _cares_ that you're crying, it's not like you don't cry yourself to sleep most nights _anyway_. The nights you make it to bed under your own power, at least.

Other nights, the bad nights, you throw yourself into your work, building inator after inator to block out the memories of a past you wish you could forget. Hoping you make it to morning.

If you're lucky, you get to watch the sun rise. If not, you can only assume Norm puts you to bed because that's where you wake up screaming.

Does Perry the Platypus know? You might have told him, one of the nights you were out of your mind with fear, monologuing to keep the silence at bay. Or was that Pretendy the Practicepus, standing in for the only person who's ever bothered to stick around and listen?

Even if it _was_ him, you don't deserve his comfort anyway. Don't deserve _him_.

He's a _Good Guy_, for badness sake. And you're, well, Evil's all you've ever been _good_ at, not that you had much of a chance in the first place. _Good Guys_ don't have _backstories_.

_Perry the Platypus_ doesn't have a _backstory_, and you know him pretty well by now, he would have mentioned it. It's the kind of thing you're supposed to mention _before_ you sleep with the guy you have _feelings_ for. That's what _you_ did, and look where it got you.

Fighting back another wave of tears, you pull your knees to your chest, grimacing at the way your insides squelch at the motion. What were you thinking, letting him come inside you?

What kind of a man _are_ you if you can't even _top_? Sure, you'd _enjoyed_ it at the time, but it's a real blow to the masculinity in hindsight, and you don't exactly have an abundance of that. More the opposite, actually.

Especially since Perry the Platypus is manlier than you are. He's _strong_ and _stoic_ and his voice is deeper than yours. How is _that_ fair, he's _tiny_! And _cute_, and...

Even his _snoring_ is adorable. How he can sleep so easily, you have no idea, but he's managing it.

You're not jealous.

That's a lie, because you _are_. _He's_ not a failure, _he_ doesn't get _nightmares_, _he_ doesn't _cry_ over _spilled milk_ the way _you_ did when your new _arm_ knocked over the bottle of milk that Mother had to remind you was _supposed_ to be for Roger's birthday cake. Because _Roger_ still _got_ those. _You'd_ stopped bothering, after the whole incident with the doonkelberry bats, especially since you've always had to make your own, but _Roger_ never had to worry about _that_. Mother made him a homemade birthday cake every year, all for him. Last you heard, she still _does_.

The point is. Perry the Platypus reminds you of all the ways you don't _measure up_. As a _man_, as an _evil scientist_, as a _father_. You're not _stupid_, you know Vanessa couldn't stand to be around _you_, right up until the time _Perry the Platypus_ went and ruined all your hard work putting together her _party_. Apparently _that_ was enough to change her mind about you.

Sure, you're _grateful_ for the help, but that doesn't mean it doesn't _sting_. Upstaged by your own _nemesis_. What kind of _father_ are you if _he_ can just waltz in here and do a better job without even trying?

It's a good thing you never managed to turn him Evil, he'd inevitably upstage you there too. He already rebuilds your inators better than _you_ ever could. Emphasis on _re_build, because _he_ always has to _destroy_ them _first_. Well, mostly he just _breaks_ things and _leaves_. Your inators, your _walls_, your _heart_...

Why did you ever think he could fix _you_? You should know better than to _hope_.

Another sob forces its way out of your chest and you curl tighter, scrubbing at your eyes with the heel of one hand. All _he's_ ever done was prove how much of a failure _you_ are. Couldn't even let you have _one_ victory. Just one. Not like your self-esteem rests on _success_ or anything, because it totally does.

And why do they call it _sleeping_ together, anyway? Sure, _he's_ fast asleep, snoring away next to you without a care in the world, but _you're_ still wide awake. You have no idea how he does it.

Or how he stays so _cool_ and _detached_ when he _thwarts_ you.

Great, one more thing to be insecure about. There's no way _you're_ enough for him when there are other evil scientists out there, you're _way_ too _needy_, so it's only a matter of time before he finds someone else to thwart. Someone _better_. And then you'll be all alone again, _abandoned_, again, because you are and always will be the failure holding everyone else back.

Not that you can _tell_ him that. He's _asleep_, for one thing, and waking him up would just get him _mad_ at you again and probably _punched_ as well and you'd deserve it, just like you'll _deserve_ his scorn when he finally realises you're not worth it.

A solid warmth presses to the back of your head and you freeze, barely daring to breathe. "Perry the Platypus?" Your voice comes out quiet, hesitant, because you don't _deserve_ to say his name. Any minute now he's going to realise his being awake is _your_ fault and then he'll leave the way he should have when you first met and it'll all be back to how it _should_ be, with _him_ gone and you _alone_.

Curling around your head anyway, he runs his fingers through your hair, not even stopping when you sob for real. Instead, you hear a soft chirr and he's curled all five limbs around you, holding you tight, like you actually mean something to him.

You're not going to cry, not where _he_ can hear. You _won't_. You still have _some_ dignity left.

Those tiny teal fingers you adore trace over your skin, light as a feather over your nose and lips and cheeks and eyes and nose again, and you want to tell him to stop. If you could find your voice you'd tell him to stop. You don't deserve this, don't deserve to feel like you matter to him, don't deserve him wiping his thumbs over your tears like _they_ matter.

Squeezing your eyes shut tight, you push down a whimper, unable to bring yourself to push him away like you _should_. Because you're too _greedy_, probably. Wanting what you're not supposed to have. Stealing his time and his sympathy from someone who's actually _earned_ it.

He flicks your forehead with a huff and shifts, one of his cute little paws lingering on your cheek. The other tugs insistently at your arm until you give in and let him have it. Lifting your hand up, he curls his tiny fingers around one of yours, like he doesn't _mind_ that it's _you_, and squeezes firmly enough that you can't mistake it for anything else.

All you can do is squeeze back just as tight and trust that he won't leave.

Which he doesn't. Even after your nose runs and and your chest aches and your tears have dried up, he's _still here_. Still curled around you, still making those soft noises, still brushing his fingers over your face.

Exhaling, you let yourself relax into him, the warmth of his body around you and the tenderness of his touch. You don't _deserve_ this, but you'll take it anyway, just to know what it feels like. Because you're Evil. Because he's offering. Because, more than anything, you're _tired_. Tired of fighting, tired of _wanting_, tired of crying yourself to sleep.

Tired enough to think, just for a second, that he might be right.

**Author's Note:**

> Then Heinz falls asleep ;)
> 
> Title from [Fabulous Secret Powers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3chCr8xYTOY) by SLACKCiRCUS (okay, the original song is What's Up by 4 Non Blondes but this version is just different enough that I prefer it).
> 
> Perryshmirtz server link in series description as always. I'm always up for some screaming about platypus/ocelot hateromance ;)


End file.
